On the Borderline

Saturday, October 28, 2006

I have a date with a guy that I quite like tomorrow night. We are going to a local pub to have a quiet chat. I met him online and we have been talking for the past couple of weeks. I am nervous about the whole thing, I am used to one-night things and to have someone who may want more than that is a bit unnerving, however it is flattering. I have fantasized about him when I have been masturbating recently. He says he is nervous about our date, not half as nervous as I am, I'll bet!

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Well I was out at the pub last night with a friend, and two blokes walked in, and I swooned. After about 10 minutes of drinking and laughing, making eyes over the bar my friend went over to them and told one that I really liked the look of him. So they came over, and for the next hour we sat and flirted and chatted.

I told him I had to go jus before eleven, and so he asked if I would follow him outside for a moment. I did as I knew I would be safe, and we had just turned a corner, when his lips were on mine, his tongue in my mouth. His hands roamed up my t-shirt and under my bra, and his hips were grinding against mine. It was so delicious.

I nibbled his neck and he moved his hand lower, unzipping my jeans and shoving his hand under my knickers, I mirrored him and felt him hard in his pants. Before I could say anything his fingers were inside me, thrusting them hard and he whispered in my ear "Oh God you are so wet!" and that was me away, I came hard on his hand, all the while rubbing him. Before long he groaned and I felt my hand was sticky.

I went back in the pub and washed my hand, smiled at him, and said "See you later!"

Who says women aren't up for a bit of fun, it was so nice to just have a wild orgasm and walk away with no ties.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Horny as hell....

I dont know what is up with me at the moment, but I have been horny as hell for the past few days. I fancy just about everyone I see, men and women, and find myself wondering what they will look like naked, and what it would be like to shag them. As I am single at the moment I have no option but to masturbate, and wank I do!

Several times each day I take time out to bring myself to orgasm, whilst fantasising about various partners, both male and female.

There are periods of my life where I have no sexual desire at all, and then its like the months of pent up emotion and frustration need to be released, and I could have sex all day long, if I had a partner, and so have to pleasure myself.

I enjoy touching myself and dream about meeting someone who could make me feel like this, who would hold me in their arms after the throbbing had ended and just hold me close. But for now I will just have to rely on my fingers to do their stuff.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Counselling driving me mad.....

I went to my counselling session today. I have only been to see Sue three times before, and we are dealing with the after-effects of my violently abusive marriage and the self-confidence problems that I have been left with.

Today was a funny session. So far I have been skirting around the main issues, but today Sue directed the session, asking direct questions for me to answer. At first we talked about how my mother tried to control my life, and how the way she treats me like a teenager makes me want to act like a teenager and be rebellious.

Then we moved onto the big stuff, that I have been avoiding so far. We had briefly spoken about the violence but not about the after effects. I dress quite androgynouslypreferring straight leg jeans and football shirts to anything else, but I have been out this week and bought some new clothes in new styles(for me) after a friend suggested it might help my confidence.

Sue asked me how this made me feel, and I explained that I like to dress down so that people don't notice me. I find this issue particularly pertains to men. I guess I feel that if a man doesn't notice me then he cant find me attractive, then it cant lead to a relationship, which may become violent. So I am trying to protect myself by not letting my clothes sexualise me.

When I have bought these new clothes I have bought skirts, bootcut jeans, more fitting tops, and in various colours and a pair of heeled boots. These are definitely feminine clothes, and the thought of wearing them terrifies me. To put these clothes on would confirm to me that I am a woman, and embrace my vulnerable side, rather than present a tough, almost masculine side.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

As if I didn't have enough on my plate I signed up for an Open University course last year when I was doing really well, and it was due to start in February this year. However I was having an unstable period at that point so I deferred it until October. I have just finished my first essay tonight and am immensly proud of myself. However I am living in backwards days at the moment, when I am awake all night and want to sleep through the day. However with my daughters around I need to try and get the normal pattern back so I can cope with them.

Monday, October 02, 2006


Hello! I am Lisa and I live with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I am 32 and am taking each day one day at a time. I am taking meds, venlafaxine and lorazepam, and am struggling to keep my life on a level at the moment. I feel as if I am on an emotional rollercoaster each day, and can be manic or suicidal within hours of each other. When I am manic I am invincible, I can do anything, when I am suicidal I just want to disappear.