Counselling driving me mad.....

I went to my counselling session today. I have only been to see Sue three times before, and we are dealing with the after-effects of my violently abusive marriage and the self-confidence problems that I have been left with.

Today was a funny session. So far I have been skirting around the main issues, but today Sue directed the session, asking direct questions for me to answer. At first we talked about how my mother tried to control my life, and how the way she treats me like a teenager makes me want to act like a teenager and be rebellious.

Then we moved onto the big stuff, that I have been avoiding so far. We had briefly spoken about the violence but not about the after effects. I dress quite androgynouslypreferring straight leg jeans and football shirts to anything else, but I have been out this week and bought some new clothes in new styles(for me) after a friend suggested it might help my confidence.

Sue asked me how this made me feel, and I explained that I like to dress down so that people don't notice me. I find this issue particularly pertains to men. I guess I feel that if a man doesn't notice me then he cant find me attractive, then it cant lead to a relationship, which may become violent. So I am trying to protect myself by not letting my clothes sexualise me.

When I have bought these new clothes I have bought skirts, bootcut jeans, more fitting tops, and in various colours and a pair of heeled boots. These are definitely feminine clothes, and the thought of wearing them terrifies me. To put these clothes on would confirm to me that I am a woman, and embrace my vulnerable side, rather than present a tough, almost masculine side.